The Cold Hard Facts!’s blog

So here`s another story that`s full of crap. Do you remember a few years back when Seattle, Washington planners decided to install some self-cleaning, high-tech toilets in and around certain areas of their city? They said it was to accommodate tourists - but the real agenda was to keep hobos and whores from pooping in front of restaurants. Anyhoo, the city – always frugal when it comes to spending your money on important matters - threw 5 million bucks at five potties. By my math, that`s approximately a thousand bucks per flush, depending on how you wipe.

So fast forward to today, and we find that these million dollar poop-shooters were just sold by the city, on Ebay, for a sum total of $12,549 - a pretty steep drop, even for a commode. You know, I`ve heard that when you drive a new car off the lot, it immediately loses 10 percent of its value. I guess it`s far worse, if you let the homeless crap in it.

So the city got hosed, instead of the homeless, which is kind of funny. But why did Seattle get rid of them in the first place? Because the bathrooms had become – get this – disgusting hideouts for whoring and drug use. And herein lies the lesson: only bureaucrats are blind to what every average working joe knows. And that is, bad people don`t appreciate good things. They only make them bad. The fact is, if you don`t want transients crapping in front of your Fuddruckers, enforce loitering laws and lock them up. The idea that decades of squalid living can be reversed by a glimpse of a warm toilet seat only reveals the profound delusions underpinning liberal social policies.

In the end, no one cares about a toilet unless it belongs to them. And even then, I still sometimes miss.

After the U.S. and Poland agreed on a missile shield in Eastern Europe, Russia says that its response will "go beyond diplomacy." Looks like Czar Putin really means business. I wonder how Barack Obama would respond to such a threat ...

In fact ...I'll go a bit further here. Putin is making these "beyond diplomacy" noises because he senses American weakness. This weakness has been brought about in part by leftist opposition to our war against Islamic terrorism, and in part by our embrace of The Chosen One. Putin possibly believes that Obama is going to be the next decision maker – the next commander in chief. He also correctly believes that Obama is an appeaser. There's no time like the present to make your bold moves and stake your claims – while America is embroiled in an election, and the eventual winner looks like the kind of guy that Putin would have as an appetizer.

As any masseuse will tell you, I love a happy ending – and that`s exactly what I`ve found in yet another story about angry locals who tried to keep Walmart out of their town.

In this case, after years of tangling with selfish, poorly informed citizens, Walmart finally took its toys and left, leaving the idiots of Plainfield Township, PA to fend for themselves.

That`s not the happy ending. This is: What took Walmart's place was a metal-shredding plant. A massive, recycling noise machine louder than a freight train, and prone to accidental explosions. The citizens now have a monster in their midst, and make way for more petitions.

HA! Or more like, HA! HA!

As you know, Walmart has been an object of spite - usually from fools too cowardly to admit that their bile has less to do with the store than with their own insignificance. People who hate Walmart really hate the success that's eluded themselves. As for the attacks on Walmart from elitist media hacks– that`s bigotry – for they assume you`d have to be genetic trash to shop there.

Fact is, Walmart is just a symbol of America – a successful phenomenon that brings you what you need cheaply. But to its opposition, it's the daddy that never hugged them.

So, Plainfield got what was coming. I hope every night they go to bed hearing the mangling of metal, thinking, if only a Walmart was nearby, I could buy ear plugs.

So I spent last Saturday night, like I always do: in the tub, surrounded by candles and lotions, and cradled by Pasqual, my Ecuadorian houseboy - as he sang a broken-English version of "Your Body is a Wonderland." But this time was different, for I had the television tuned into Rick Warren`s "Civil Forum," which I had assumed was like Penthouse Forum, but with muskets.

I was wrong. Instead it had our two presidential candidates facing off on faith and other matters. One such matter was evil – which may be the most defining issue not simply for this election, but like, forever. That`s because despite the existence of forces in the world bent on killing you and me, Barack prefers to see evil in Darfur and well, ourselves.

Darfur, of course, is an easy choice because no one is a fan of genocide. It`s an answer that will offend no one. But the second part of the answer reveals, that unlike McCain, Obama is a fearful relativist – too timid to point out tangible evil for fear it may make him look rigid and uncool. See, these days, saying there is such thing as good and evil is the philosophical equivalent of shouting at the neighbor kids who just peed on your lawn.

McCain had no problem identifying evil - he`s seen it firsthand. But with Obama, evil is simply a justifiable response to our own country's flaws. We shouldn't be surprised by this - after 9/11, Obama always seemed more fascinated with root causes of that perpetrated evil, than punishing the clowns who perpetrated it.

In the end, that's what drives his beliefs - that before America can fight evil, it must first address its own evil nature, to regain the all-important moral high ground. But what he fails to see, is that evil doesn't care if you've got moral high ground. Do you really think Russia would not have invaded Georgia, had the Gitmo scandal never happened?

"Obama is a post-modern lightweight who can`t face the innate nature of man, and the delusions of his own flimsy beliefs," Pasquel said to me, while patting me down with a thick, white terrycloth towel.

It's so nice to see those Rosetta Stone CD's are finally paying off!

So ABC news had yet another article on internet addiction, about some dude who spent 16 hours a day on the web. The story cites the usual experts - and focused on the rise of rehab for this terrible affliction. One doc claims that the person who is addicted to his computer is going to have the same high as someone who goes to his drug dealer.

Poopydoop.

If you actually look at why men and women compulsively use the web, you find that the compulsion simply defines the flaws in both sexes. For women, it`s shopping and gossiping at chat rooms. For men, it`s feverishly tearing through porn and gambling away their paychecks. So, it`s not the internet to blame - these vices have existed well before the web. And broadband has just made it that much more accessible. Blaming your need for porn or gossip on internet addiction is like blaming your problems with pot on your bong.

Bottom line: addiction is the most overused word in our language – and when you think about it, it`s the easiest problem in the world to solve. Addiction is the only so-called "affliction" where the actual "disease" can be removed from your presence without actual surgery. You just throw the laptop out the window. This also works with cocaine, booze and tropical fish.

Just give me a heads up when you do this, and I`ll be outside with a catcher`s mitt.

Stop the presses ... an Israeli doctor thinks that he has found a way to disqualify Michael Phelps from the Olympics for doping. Seriously! Dr. Alexei Koudinov can't stand the fact that Michael Phelps is the most decorated athlete in Olympic history ... so he is working hard to make sure that's no longer the case.

Dr. Alexei Koudinov explains that Michael Phelps is doping because .... he listens to his iPod before he swims. Yep, that's it. Scientific evidence proves that listening to music improves blood oxygen capacity and is a performance enhancement, according to Dr. Koudinov. Never mind the 5 hours a day that Phelps spends practicing, or the weight training, or the fact that he is naturally gifted ... nope. It's all because of his iPod. Gawd, Apple really needs to get on that endorsement.

Have you seen the video of the TV reporter in Georgia who is shot at while on camera? The woman is giving a news report and sniper fire grazes her arm. And the amazing part is ... she keeps reporting.

John McCain and Barack Obama both have their latest form of campaigning: children's books. Both candidates have bedtime stories for all the little children. However, there is just a slight difference between the two books. At least, that I can tell thus far.

Let's start with John McCain's children's book. His book is actually written by his daughter Meghan McCain. The book is called "My Dad, John McCain." It covers McCain's military career and Meghan gives some insight to her father: "I know he'll say what he really thinks. Maybe it won't be what people want to hear. But it will be the truth." Here's the official description of McCain's book:

Born the son and grandson of military men, Senator John McCain from Arizona was destined for a life serving his country in the armed forces. Like many great men, he occasionally struggled with authority, but once he found his true calling -- flying naval aircraft -- his ideals and commitment to his country took him far.

From the low point of five years as a prisoner of war to the high points of raising a large, happy family and being chosen as the Republican nominee in the 2008 presidential election, Senator McCain has lived an incredible life driven by a love of his country and a desire to serve it to the best of his ability.

This picture book biography, written with great love and insight by his oldest daughter, writer Meghan McCain, shows us the public John McCain and the personal John McCain in a way we've never seen before -- making this American hero come to life before young eyes.

I'm telling you all of this so that you can try and tell me what is different about the children's book for Barack Obama. Obama's book is called "Barack Obama: Son of Promise, Child of Hope." Here are a few quotes for Obama's children's book: "Even God himself talks to Barry while he's in church on Sunday, telling him: 'Look around you. Now look to me. There is hope enough here to last a lifetime.'" Wow, so it is official, God himself talks to Barack Obama. He really is The Chosen One!

Here's another quote for you: "Barack smiled, tears rolling down his cheeks. Suddenly he knew for certain hope would last long enough for him to make a difference." Oh my ... I'm tearing up here. And if that wasn't enough for you, here is the official description of Barack Obama's children's book:

Ever since Barack Obama was young, Hope has lived inside him. From the beaches of Hawaii to the streets of Chicago, from the jungles of Indonesia to the plains of Kenya, he has held on to Hope. Even as a boy, Barack knew he wasn't quite like anybody else, but through his journeys he found the ability to listen to Hope and become what he was meant to be: a bridge to bring people together.

This is the moving story of an exceptional man, as told by Nikki Grimes and illustrated by Bryan Collier, both winners of the Coretta Scott King Award. Barack Obama has motivated Americans to believe with him, to believe that every one of us has the power to change ourselves and change our world.

There's your Messiah, folks ... for all the children to behold.

Now actually ... there's a children's book that has been out there for some time that really fits the big BO quite well. It's called "The Rainbow Fish," and the general theme of this book is that nobody should be allowed to have anything that other people don't have. Everybody should have the same amount of stuff. That seems to fit Obama's ideology pretty well.

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the National Institutes of Health, 93 percent of those who get behind the wheel while intoxicated arrive at their homes safe and sound, just like they told everybody they would. "Most of these people are barely even buzzed, and 87 percent of the time they're driving primarily on back roads for distances of like, eight miles, tops," said the study's lead author, Dr. Henry Tillman, adding that the vast majority of inebriated drivers stuck with only beer all night, so they were totally fine. "Roughly 64 percent of drunk drivers have cousins who are cops anyway, so it's really no big deal." The study concluded that a mere one in 15 drunk drivers end up dying in a cascading torrent of fire, so, you know, odds.